You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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