You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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