In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
