I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize