I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
