I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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