We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
