So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
