I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
