How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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