Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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