i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
