I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
