WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
