I met the friendliest cop last night
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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