I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Can I color on your dick again?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
