I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
