dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
