dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize