You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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