Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
