my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
