New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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