why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
