Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
