PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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