my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
