giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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