OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize