Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
