I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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