Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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