I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
