I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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