I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
