I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
