Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
