I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
