You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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