Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
