it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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