My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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