Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I forgot how hot balto sounded
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
