what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
