Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I skipped work to stalk him.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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