mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
