We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
