my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
