I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
