take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
