woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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