Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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