I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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