glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
