If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
