I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
