Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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