I'm eating all of the evidence.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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