Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
